Mike the Vampire Hunter
by tortgirl
Summary: My grand return to fanfiction brings you after breaking dawn. After Mike's mother is bruttally murdered by a vampire Mike swears revenge. Yes this is a comic story. Please read and review.
1. zomgweird liquid

My name is Michael Tiberius (yes Tiberius, don't laugh or I'll cut you) Newton.

I am a vampire hunter. Although I do kill werewolves on occasion.

I was normal once, just like you. I had just graduated high school I was going to state. I had it all set up. But then it happened.

My mother was murdered, murdered by those…things.

We were taking a hike in the forest, my mother and I when a savage beast attacked her, he was so busy that he didn't even notice me and after he was done-Well what I found was my mother mutilated corpse. She had her neck gashed open her face was smashed in. Yet there wasn't an ounce of blood. There was a liquid though, one near my mother it was rather strange. I always had a curiosity towards strange liquids ever since 10th grade chemistry. I grabbed the substance and it burned my hand. My curiosity grew. I called the police to get my mother and stored as much of the liquid in my water bottle. I was devastated and that's why I took the liquid, some part of me said that it would lead me to whoever did this to her. But I knew what the beast was already. I've known since a family of them moved here (Forks Washington) and took my beloved Bella away from me. She was married to one of them now; rumor had it that they had a kid. Well that's all fine, but what I needed to do was ask them what the liquid was. So I would go to the only one I actually sort of liked. Carlisle.

You probably want to know how I found out, right?

Well, I'm not an imbecile anyone with half a brain can see something was up with those guys. The paleness, the fact that they never went to school when the sun was out, the freaky eye color change. I didn't know for sure until I planted cameras into the woods by their house. I have on tape Jasper Hale ripping a deer to pieces. I knew from then on, but I never said anything because they weren't doing anything. Then Bella came and her and Edward Cullen got jiggy with it. Ugh! I tried to stop her but she wouldn't listen. There only so much I could do, then I figured out that she knew, she had to have known.

I almost said something then but they left so I didn't think it was important.

But then they came back and they got back together and engaged! And then married it's all so wrong. I feel the coward for not warning Bella, but a part of me knew that she knew. And she didn't care! I should have just said the hell with that right off. But no, I am alas a moron. A stupid, stupid moron. So of course I still love her, even though I know she's doing a monster.

So after my mother's funeral I went to him. He actually had the nachos to go. As did his wife. Luckily none of the others went.

We were at the cemetery it was over my mother had been laid to rest and everyone was giving their condolences to my dad. I caught up to Dr. Cullen and the wife.

"Yo, Dr. Cullen!" I called.

He turned around and saw me.

"Oh Michael, I am so sorry about your loss." He said.

"Yeah whatever." I got the bottle out of my pocket. "What's this?"

Both their eyes bulged.

"Michael, where did you get that?" he asked alarmed.

"My mother's murderer." I answered.

"Ewwwww…" Esme said.

I looked at her. "Excuse me?"

"That's-oh Carlisle." She dug her face into his shoulder.

He wrapped his arm around her; it was all very sweet and a little gross.

"Michael, dispose of that immediately." Carlisle warned.

"Blow me you old yet very attractive old man." I said.

"Mike!" I heard my-ex Jessica Stanley behind me.

I groaned.

"I'm having a conversation here, Jessica will you please go away and let me grieve in peace!" I screamed back at her. She pouted and walked away.

I rolled my eyes and muttered "woman".

I turned back around to face them but they were already gone.


	2. ewwwww

"Oh wonderful!" I exclaimed sarcastically.

I trotted back to my father who was saying good-bye to some relatives. He was trying to save face but I knew the agony that was burning inside him. I felt it too. We just happened to be guys, so that means we can bury our feelings really well. Too bad that side effects like nervous diarrhea and waking up in the middle of the night screaming: "Don't kill the ferret! Don't kill the ferret!" That ferret being a subconscious version of my mother.

My quest for revenge was the only thing sustaining me.

I had to know what this stuff was and I had to find out how to use it against _them_.

So I went to the next best thing. Emmett.

"Dude!" He exclaimed.

Him and his -whatever you want to call her- Rosalie were outside their driveway fixing one of their cars.

"What is it, Cullen?" I asked briskly.

He looked at me eerily and shook his head.

"I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you." Wow, that's not cliché at all.

Rosalie kicked him from under the car.

"Figuratively speaking of course." He added.

"Uh huh," I said. "Look I'm going to be straight with you, Cullen. This is the missing link between what-I mean who-killed my mother and me stopping him from doing it again. Now tell me what it is." I tried to me menacing but considering Emmett Cullen is about three times my size it didn't work out very well. So I tried another tactic.

I dropped to my knees and started begging.

"Please, Cullen I'm begging I just want to avenge my mother. Just tell me what it is. Just tell me what it is!"

Rosalie came from under the car and looked at me.

"Oh Emmett, get rid of that it makes us look tacky." She said as she dried her hands on a towel. Then she flipped her hair and walked back in the house.

I got back up and went close to Emmett.

"I know what you are." I whispered. "It's fine with me I won't tell anyone, I swear. Just help me by telling me what this is. That is all I'm asking."

He looked at me seriously, his eyes appraising me.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Then he walked away. I had to say it.

"Vampire." I said. He stopped and turned around.

He was in front of me in a blink of my eye.

"Don't say that word, Mike." He said menacingly.

"I'll leave you alone, I swear just tell me what it is." I got the bottle out of my pocket and looked at it.

"It's um…" he leaned in closer so he was right at me ear. "It's vampire jizz."

"What?" I asked in a normal and confused tone.

"You know, jizz." He said again.

I threw him a puzzled expression.

He sighed exasperated. "It's vampire spermatozoa. You know, vampire baby-maker, the vampire mojo-jojo, I vampire jizzed in my pants! You get it now, Newton?!"

I looked at the bottle and threw it in disgust. "Ew!"

What happened when I did that changed my world forever.

The bottle opened at landed on Emmett. I was scared that he would hurt me after I got THAT in him ut instead I heard a sizzling.

"What the-?" Those were the last words Emmett Cullen said before he melted. Yes he melted.

I grabbed the bottle with the remainder of the vamp-o-sperm and ran the hell out of there.

It kills vampires, it kills vampires. Oh the things I could do with that vamp-jizz. I could do the world some good. But I had to get more. But where?


	3. esmeraldaaaa

**A/N: Hello readers, I just wanted to say how grateful I am for your reviews and favorites. I hope to see more. I would like to thank my friend Sierra for helping with this idea. Now enjoy** **the chapter sorry it's** **a little short.**

I killed Emmett Cullen! I killed Emmett Cullen! Holy mother loving crap I killed Emmett Cullen!

Those were my thoughts the run home from the Cullen house. I knew it was a matter of time before they would find me. I had to find more sper- I mean stuff (I really didn't want to call it sperm).

I had enough to kill one more but I had a feeling that they would all come for me. Especially Rosalie.

Oh god I'm going to die.

No, no, no I will find more vamp sper-I mean stuff.

I couldn't go back home, I drove to Port Angeles and got a room at the local motel. I paid cash. Who knew what kind of resources the Cullen's had? There was a knock at my door.

I jumped about a foot and almost shat myself.

I walked slowly to the door and looked through the peep hole. It was a woman with light red hair. None of the Cullen's had red hair so I opened it.

Let me say that I'm glad I did. This woman was by far the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And I've seen Rosalie, Bella and Alice.

Then I realized she was a vampire. But it was too late she was in my room looking around.

"Hello Michael." She said. She had the smoothest voice I had ever heard in my life.

As I looked closer I noticed her eyes a startling green almost neon. They were contacts obviously.

"Who are you?" I asked my voice shaking a little.

She smiled. It was a lovely smile it made me want to melt- whoa hello vampire they can do that to you. Focus Mike, focus.

"My name is Esmeralda, Esmeralda Parrington. I've come to help you." What the hell kind of name was Esmeralda?

"Help me how?" Was what I asked out loud.

She chucked a bit and sat on my bed.

"Oh Mike-can I call you Mike?"

I nodded.

"Mike, the whole vampire world is buzzing that you killed one of the beloved Cullen's." She informed me.

"Word travels fast." I muttered more to myself than to her.

"Yes it does and I have to say Mike the Cullen's are not happy. Not at all. They're looking for you, tracking your scent. Do you have enough sperm to kill the rest of them?" She quirked an eyebrow at me.

I shook my head. I could not talk around this woman.

"Well then I'll just have to get you some. I want to make a deal with you, Mike. If I get you the sperm you have to promise to kill the rest of the Cullen's with it. I would do t but any contact with the…substance will melt which ever body part it comes in contact with. I can't risk that, you see I'm just too vain. You on the other had if you get a little on you it'll just be a slight burn and repulsion." She made her argument and gave me a sultry look.

"O-okay, I'll kill the Cullen's for you." I blurted.

She smiled again, only this time it was vicious. "Excellent." She purred. She touched my chin and went to the door.

"I'll come back tomorrow night with the…specimen. Good bye, Michael." And she left.


	4. my new look

The next few days went by slowly. Really freaking slowly. I mean I watched _Harold and Kumar go to Guantanamo bay _five freaking times on HBO before I turned the TV off and read the bible. And let me tell you the bible is probably the freakiest thing I've ever read. But finally Esmeralda came back, her red hair was pulled back she was wearing sunglasses when I opened the door.

Without a hello she stalked in.

"Alright, Mike. Here's the specimen, do what you can with it. I'll check back in a week, by then I want a Cullen dead. Do you hear me?" Her voice was harsh and stiff.

I nodded and took the liter bottle out of her hands.

"How did you get it?" I asked.

She took her sunglasses off, her eyes were glowing red.

"Let's just say I have a gift when it comes to seduction. I must go now, Mike. See you soon." And she stalked out the door.

Thinking back on it I never noticed how old Esmeralda was. When I first saw her I saw beauty and gorgeous red hair. But seeing her that day it made me realize that beautiful she was. She must have been turned into a vampire pretty old. Not old, old. But all the Cullen's didn't even look thirty. Esmeralda looked about thirty two maybe thirty three and I didn't even want to think about how old she really was.

Over the next few hours I devised a plan and a way to use my weapon. I took a forceps, a stick of gum, the gum wrapper and a rubber band and there my weapon was made. I put the bottle in the forceps, and put the rubber band to hold it in place. I took the cap off the bottle and put the gum (chewed) that way I wouldn't waste any liquid. The gum wrapper was useless so I threw it away.

Then I needed a new outfit. The jeans and polo shirt I was wearing now didn't exactly scream "vampire hunter" so I went to the mall that was next to the motel. It was a sunny day so I knew they wouldn't attack me. But I had to get back by nightfall. I bought some leather pants, a flannel shirt, a kicking leather coat that went down almost to the floor and a matching hat. I looked like effing Van Helsing, bitch.

I got back to the motel by three o'clock and someone was waiting for me. A woman, and it wasn't Esmeralda.

"Hello, Mike." Said the woman. It was a hoarse voice not one of a vampire. I turned the light on and found a hot Native American chick sitting in a chair.

"Um, hi." I said weakly. _Dude, get it together. You hunt vampires now._

"I mean hello." I said a little stronger.

She stood up and walked to me.

"Look, I'm going to me straight with you. I hate my life and I'm bored so if you want help killing some folks I'll gladly help." Her voice was laced with bitterness.

That was new. "How the hell do you people keep finding me and not the Cullen's? I mean really, you'd think they'd be smarter." I mused out loud.

"They know where you are, they're setting up your death. So it's not messy." She answered.

"How do you know that?" I asked.

"I have an "in" with a friend of the family." She told me.

"Oh really," I said not knowing what she was talking about. "Well if you have an "in" why do you want to help me?"

"Because those vamps ruined my life!" She screamed. I fell back a little in fear. This chick was scary.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"The names Leah Clearwater."


	5. Im crazy now, I know it

**Hi readers, here's a new chapter. I hope you like it.**

"Leah Clearwater." I said. The name sounded familiar, but I couldn't place it.

"Yeah."

"Clearwater." Usually when I say a name enough times it comes to me.

"Yeah, are you deaf or just retarded?"

I ignored her and sat on my plastic hotel chair.

"Clear water. Agua claro. Um…crap how do you say clear water in French?"

I looked to her and found that she was looking at me like I was a moron.

"This was a bad idea." She got up and headed for the door, that's when I remembered the name.

"Your brother's that kid." I said.

She turned around. "What kid?" She asked giving me the stink eye-no wait that's just how her face was.

"That kid who was all over Edward at the wedding. What's his name? Oh yeah, Seth." I told her, feeling better that I remembered the name. I hate when I can't place something it bothers me until I figure it out.

"He might pose as a problem." Leah said as she sat back down on my gross looking bed spread that didn't match the curtains.

"Why? He's your brother, shouldn't you come first?" I asked as I got up to go to the mini fridge.

"I know, right? Plus I'm scary, but no. Suddenly he kills a vampire with Edward and they're BFF's." She told me, her voice growing angrier by the second (which was pretty angry in the first place).

"Well killing vampire will do that to you, I really bonded with myself after I killed Emmett." I said rummaging through the fridge.

I could have sworn I heard her chuckle, but I didn't mention it. I didn't want her to feel out of her comfort zone.

"So other than your brother being the Cullen's lap-dog-" She chuckled again. I got my head out of the fridge and looked at her.

"What?" I asked opening a can of Pepsi.

"Nothing, I'll tell you later, you've had enough to deal with right now." She said. "Can I have a soda?"

I nodded and got her one.

"Thanks." She said as I handed it to her. My hand lightly brushed hers and I noticed that her hand was really hot.

"So when do you want to do this thing?" I asked her.

"What thing?"

"You know, kill the Cullen's." I took a sip of my soda.

"Oh um, whenever." She replied. This conversation was getting really awkward.

"Well I have until next week to kill another one, according to my…" I hesitated not knowing what to Esmeralda. "My weapons finder person vampire."

"Your weapons finder person vampire?" She asked with an eyebrow raised.

"I'll tell you later, you've had enough to deal with right now." I replied winking using the same thing she told me.

She cracked a small smile.

"Let's start talking strategies tomorrow, I'm beat. And we'll attack Friday, good with you?" She asked getting up.

"Yeah," I nodded.

"Cool, see you tomorrow, Mike." And she left.

"Huh, when I'm a regular boring human I get Jessica Stanley hanging around me, I turn vampire hunter I get a hot Native American chick and a hot vampire chick hanging around me." I noted to myself out loud. "Hells yeah, bitches."

And I went to sleep, when I went to sleep I dreamed about Bella. _It really sucks that I'm not over her yet. I mean I am going to have to kill her. _I thought in between dreams.

I woke up early and found someone else in my room.

_What the hell? Do people not know how to knock?_

"Hello, Mike." It was Emmett.

Well like the normal person I am I freaked out and screamed like a little girl.

"OMGRGAGHAWEJRAGSETWGSGDSGSFSA!!!!!!!!" I screamed.

"Calm the shit down man, you hunt vampires now." Emmett said.

"I killed you, I killed you! Why are you here?" I asked still in my freaked voice.

"I'm not really here, moron. I'm your "conscience"." He even did the little air quotation thingy.

"Oh well that's just great. Does that mean I'm schizo?" I asked conscience Emmett.

"No, just feeling guilty. So I'm going to stalk you until you do the right thing." He told me with his "Emmett grin" on his face.

"What's the right thing?" I asked.

"Yeah, I can't tell you that."

"So you're the cryptic part of my conscience then." I said folding my arms over my chest.

"You could put it that way, but mostly I'm just here to help you find you way." He told me happily like he was enjoying my misery or something (which he probably was).

"What is this? An episode of _Avatar_ or a cheesy kids movie, because you're pulling cliché's out of your ass." I told Fake Emmett.

"Dude, I'm a part of you so _you're_ the one pulling cliché's out of your ass." He said matter-of-factly.

I rolled my eyes and went t take a shower.

"I'll just wait here," Emmett said. "Even if I'm not real, I do not want to see that."

**Did you really think I would get rid of Emmett? Really? If you've read any of my other fics you know I love Emmett. So review people, they make me update faster:)**


	6. I keel you

**Hi readers, here's my new chapter. Review it please, they give me motivation for new chapters:)**

As the day went by fake Emmett would not shut up. I tried using my weapon with a bottle of water and he kept distracting me.

"I don't think you're doing it right." He said.

"Maybe you should tilt it to the left." He said another time.

"Just dump it on their heads."

I responded to that last one. "They have super speed. I can't just sneak up on them."

He snapped his fingers. "Right, you'd think I would have known that.

Friday approached and Leah and I discussed battle tactics. We were going to ambush one when they were alone and she was going to distract him or her while I got the…specimen on them.

We decided on going on the weaker one. Esme. I always liked Esme, but I liked my life more so I had to do what I had to do.

Leah went to stalk her and I would be waiting for her call a block away until Esme left the house.

She finally called.

"She's going to some flower place to pick gardenias for Emmett's funeral." She told me.

"Aww they're giving me a funeral. That's touching." Fake Emmett said.

I rolled my eyes and ignored him.

Leah came in her very used looking car. "Let's go."

"Won't they smell us following her?" I asked.

"My scent masks yours. And it's not a big if they smell me." She told me.

"Oh, okay then."

"You look ridiculous by the way." She noted.

I looked at my awesome vampire hunting outfit. "I look awesome."

"You look like a gay Van Helsing."

"Shut up!" I snapped.

"She's right, dude." Fake Emmett said from the back seat.

The parking lot was empty as Esme pulled in.

"Excellent, she's isolated." Leah said as she got out from the car.

I got out too and got my weapon.

We approached Esme as she got things from her car.

"Hello Michael." She said without looking at me.

I froze.

"I know you didn't mean to kill Emmett, so I'm not going to hurt you. But if you try anything with me my sons and daughters will be here in less than two minutes." She threatened. Threats coming from her mouth sounded weird.

"I won't touch a hair on your head." I said.

She smiled then.

"But she will." And Leah attacked. I didn't even notice when she did it was so fast.

She got a whip out and rang it around Esme's neck.

The whip had specimen on it.

I started to hear bubbling and that's when I got my weapon out and poured it on her head.

She melted before my eyes.

"We have to get out of here." Leah said. "I can smell them coming."

I gaped at her. "You can?"

"I'll tell you why later, let's go." And we sped off.

**Yup Esme is dead. Now don't get me wrong it hurt me to see her killed and to write her death but keep an open mind when reading this fic. The Cullen's are not the heroes in this so expect them to die.**


End file.
